while this title might seem like an apt reference to my serious lack of posting lately, it is in fact the affliction that has befallen me for the last week. i am croaking along by now, well enough to make myself understood by my 80 students, but not well enough not to pay the price afterwards (hot tea and silence de rigueur).
i lost my voice upon landing in brussels last week. i flew out there for a week over spring break. planet’s sister has been taken ill with the same disease that killed planet (planet = nickname of best friend who died of breast cancer 2 years ago). i wanted to be with her for so many reasons, but many times it felt like we were both visiting a very cruel ghost. the ghost of her sister’s -my friend’s – killer, the ghost of her struggle, the ghost of her boredom (chemo is sooooooo boring), the ghost of her. and then sometimes the ghost was gone, and we used the strange parenthesis offered by her illness to go to the movies at 11 am, eat way more than we should and make all sorts of inappropriate gallows jokes.
the last time i lost my voice was at planet’s funeral. it started going during the funeral, when i couldn’t stop crying, sobbing all the way into the car that drove me back to planet’s empty home, empty of her and full of mourners who would all get very drunk that day, the day during which i lost my voice.
i lost a lot more than my voice that day, and it better not mean anything that i lost my voice this time. this better just be a freaky coincidence or some psychosomatic response. it just better not.