H2O2 – that’s hydrogen peroxide to you

some of you know that HRH of this house regal has no impulse control, especially about food. we (her humans) are trained to put food away in the cupboards or above the fridge, to throw the trash out before leaving the house, and always close the door to the pantry where her food is stored. absent these precautions, she will eat a week’s worth of kibble in one go, inhale whatever meat, egg or dairy product is in the trash – and in the process redecorate the kitchen in coffee grounds and fruit peels- and finish off whatever is on the counter. i now know this also includes bags of raw rice.

i got back yesterday evening and found a few rice grains on the floor. and i saw bits of plastic bag. and some rice kernels in her water bowl. where were the other 15.5 ounces of rice? in her belly. that’s where.

usually, when she scarfs down whatever she found in our absence, we let her digest it, but a pound of rice was going to hurt. and it was not going to be pleasant for the humans who share HRH’s space. i called the wonderful people at the after hours emergency vet clinic – i am firmly convinced there is a special spot reserved in heaven for these people – we’ve been there before, as a result of another trash-eating incident: we thought she might have swallowed a razor blade. she hadn’t. we were up till 1 am and down $150 by the time we found out. anyway – the staff and doctors there COULD NOT BE NICER. they are efficient, friendly, without being all googly about the animals, and completely reasonable when you are about to lose your shit. so i called them : “hi, my dog just ate a pound of raw rice” – vet nurse : “ouch”, me “should i worry? what should i expect? is she going to die? will her belly explode?” – vet nurse: “oh, that’s not going to be pretty. let me ask the doctor”. 2 minutes later:” yeah – that’s gonna have to come out NOW” (you see what i mean by efficient and not googly? she could not have minced her words less). the solution: make my dog puke it out by giving her 1/3 of a cup of hydrogen peroxide. EASY. if you have hydrogen peroxide in the house. which i didn’t.

HRH and i drove to the supermarket at 9pm, where i found the peroxide easily, and then wandered the aisles for 15 anxious minutes looking for a turkey baster or something that i could jam the peroxide down her throat with. i was anxious bc she was in the car. with a belly full of raw rice. waiting to explode.

just FYI, supermarkets do not carry turkey basters in the summer. apparently turkey basters are a seasonal item. whatever. i found a children’s medicine syringe. good enough.

after wrangling HRH’s 95 pounds and jamming the filled syringe between her teeth 5 consecutive times and spraying myself and herself with peroxide i waited. and 10 minutes later, as if by miracle, HRH was relieved of that rice bomb in her belly, and the field mice had one huge supply of rice the feast on.

ps: also found in the mess were a plastic bag that used to hold a pound of arborio rice, one walnut shell and that sock PB lost last year. 2 out these three items are true. special prize if you guess which one’s odd man out

pps: my neighbor just brought me a dozen homemade, fresh out of the oven southern style biscuits.  they were the most fluffy, buttery, delicious heaps of sin. emphasis on were, bc like my dog, i lack any measure of self control when it comes to superlative food.  now where’s that bottle of hydrogen peroxide???

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