dark thoughts and pink wine

what do you do when its coming up to the one year anniversary of your best friend’s really premature death from cancer? i hear you thinking “what a dreary thought – and why is she asking ME? “.

i understand – noone likes thinking about these things, and trust me, i am trying SO hard not to think about it either, but let me tell you, this is not something i can easily control. thoughts of her and of time passing and of the cruelty of a 39 year old mother of 4 dying of breast cancer just seep in, and then they sit there. and i miss her so. her mom sent me a photo frame for Xmas, and as i looked through pictures of her and me to put in it, i had the really odd thought ” we really should take a good picture of each other next time we visit” immediately followed by the realization that there will be no next time, there won’t be any more photos, no more visits.

i also found a person on facebook that claire and i gave a high-school pep talk to. we thought we were being kind to the girl, suggesting a haircut that would make her so much prettier. i am sure this girl hated us for it, and rightly so, but we really meant well. claire and i never forgot her, or the ridiculous hubris of our 16 year-old selves. so imagine the void that i felt, finding this girl on facebook, and not being able to call claire immediately to revisit the moment together. god i miss her.

it’s no good ignoring these moments or thoughts, usually that just ends up with me getting cross at the lovely PB for no good reason. but the kitchen stays clean, that’s aparrently a typical way of dealing with undealt-with grief.

wishing to wallow no more, or at least hoping to have some concentrated activity that will both force me to face it (by ‘it’ I mean the 1 year anniversary of gloom) and be productive rather than depressing about it, tomorrow i am hosting a couple of fabulous women for a pink-athon planning committee. that’s right – cancer sucks, but let’s drink wine and plan a fund raiser to send more money to the scientists who will hopefully find the cure so no more good friends die before they’re really old.

apart from that, i have been working on chapter ugh. do you care about wealth distribution in the the 19th century? because if you do, i’ll gladly share. just let me know. really. no? oh come on – it’s fascinating.



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