Day 7 – new moon on monday

well, not really a new moon, but i often have songs in my head and duran duran’s been visiting today, as well as house of love – loneliness is a gun.  not having morose thoughts or anything, but they randomly played on my shuffle yesterday.  one more way in which the past visits us.

ok – i realise the previous paragraph makes no sense, unless you are in my head.  thing is: i lost my best friend last february.  its been exactly 8 months ( almost – 2 days to go) and she is with me still and constantly.  grief is a weird thing.  it’s not just that it hurts more than anything you’ve ever experienced until then, it’s that it does not end.  i am not retching anymore or crying inconsolably while waiting for lights to turn at intersections (cliché maybe,but i swear its true – i don’t know why i cry more in my car than in my shower). but i am not “over it” – i ca’t imagine i will ever be “over it” – you can’t be over something like that.  i wouldn’t want to.  but it is a weird thing – you wade in it like a wet sock, like thick fog on a morning in merida – humid, enveloping, cloying, and when the haze lifts around noon, it doesn’t really, bc it stays in your head, and your sticky hair reminds you of the morning gunk, and no cold shower helps to get rid of the feeling.  sometimes it’s not so cloying, but more like a bright light. sometimes the memories are just happy thoughts, happiness that you welcome, even in the empty package it comes in.  but more often it is like that wet sock.

progress on book today?  nil.  but i did get 4 pants hemmed and a button sown on a favorite jacket.


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